Tear Away
by Exes and Ohs. 2
Summary: A short humor story (1 chapter, I decided, not 2-sorry guys!) about a day at the Quidditch Pitch. Lupin has his pants down, Snape gets his hair washed, and Ron..well, you'll see. Title has nothing to do with the story, I just like the song.


**Disclaimer:** The idea of this series strictly belongs to Keeper, Hannibal the Cannibal and myself. We do not own, however, Snape, Harry, Sirius, and anyone else involved. You thought so, but we don't. Sorry to disappoint you.

**Warning:** This is strictly for entertainment. Keeper and I started joking around, and it came to my attention that, hey, this would be pretty hilarious. Do not read if you don't have a sense of humor.

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The big day finally arrived, and Harry, Ron and Hermione were the first ones to arrive on the Quidditch Pitch, their nerves jumbled inside of their bodies excitedly, their money bags weighing as much as they could hold. Even the Slytherin's pockets were bulging - from either being turned on by all the gorgeous chicks will their boobs popping out, or from the amount of silver they had brought down with them.

"I wonder how much money they'll get!" said Hermione, who's whole attitude was for the school's benefit.

"Who cares?" Ron asked, sitting down in the front row, right in the center of the bleachers. His attitude was completely different than Hermione's - he wanted to see some good ass today.

"Holy, look at that!" Harry pointed at Dumbledore, who was standing with Fudge, both conjuring up different things. Fudge was setting up a table with everything imaginable for the day's entertainment, from spray bottles to rolls of twenties. Dumbledore himself was in his best pair of boxers, a tie around his neck, while he conjured up a chair and a sink, cloths and sponges.

Harry's attitude on the whole thing was partly for the school's benefit, partly for the ass, and a little bit for the humorous aspect of it. Ron's eyes were glued to a fake blonde that obviously had implants and various _other_ forms of plastic surgery. The blonde, who had her name tattooed across her chest (probably for all the men who couldn't get their eyes away from them), was wearing a _very_ low cut shirt, that also revealed her torso. Hermioned tsk tsked in disapprovement.

"How could a woman go around, displaying themselves like that? I mean, her tits are falling out of her shirt. She might as well tuck them into her shorts!"

"What beautiful tits they are, too." Ron said, his eyes glazed over as he gripped Harry's arm tightly. The blonde (named Erica) was giggling and running from Professor Lupin, who had his pants down at his ankles, chasing her. Her chest bounced up and down while her ass hung out of her shorts. Ron was definitely in heaven.

"Look at it this way, Hermione, " Harry said, peeling Ron's fingers off of his arm, and turning to his other friend. "Ron's happy, Hogwarts is making money, Snape's _finally_ getting what we've gone on strike for, Professor Lupin is making his rounds with the Cheetah's girls, and Sirius and Dumbledore get the leftovers."

"What do you get out of it?" Hermione asked, and Harry grinned.

"I get to watch everyone get wasted and do things they're definitely going to regret someday." Harry's grin broadened as she frowned again. "Besides, I want Hogwarts to have money too!"

"Sure you don't." Hermione stuck her tongue at him, her tongue ring glittering in the sun.

Everyone was piling into the stadium, talking loudly. Behind them, the three friends could hear moaning from the various guys who were watching the girls push their boobs up to try and make themselves look bigger. Hermione suddenly let out a cry, Ron gasped, enraged, and Harry laughed hysterically.

Ginny Weasley, her chest popping out also, was standing with Sirius and Dumbledore, discussing something. She had been 'randomly' chosen in the week prior to help with the festivities. Sirius placed his hand on Ginny's shoulder, staring down at her, his eyes glazed over.

"GET OFF MY SISTER!" Ron yelled, and Sirius jumped back, his hand dropping to his side immediately. Harry continued to laugh hysterically.

"Oh, Ron, she's fine! Don't get so upset." Hermione said, but looked at Ginny with a scowl. "Ginny does know better than to hook up with older men. Especially older men who have gray hair and happen to be Harry's Godfather."

"No she doesn't!" Harry said, wiping his eyes, refusing to look back at Sirius, for fear that he'd break ribs from laughing so hard.

"What's that mean?!" Ron asked, but they didn't finish their argument, because the stadium grew quiet, Erica stopped her twins from bouncing, and Lupin pulled up his pants. Hermione, Ron, and Harry watched as Snape walked onto the pitch, wearing a white tank top and board shorts. Harry choked on tears, trying to stifle his laughs, while Snape sat in the chair tentively.

"The biddings will begin at 1 galleon!" McGonagall's voice boomed over the PA system, and everyone started dropping a galleon into the pitch, lining the field. Erica, among other bimbos, got into two lines (one facing each side of the crowd), and started to do erotic dancing.

"Oh, for Heaven's sake." Hermione said, gagging at the scene. Harry raised an eyebrow, watching enthusiastically, dropping another galleon into the pitch.

This went on until the Cheetah's dancers (Harry strongly believed there were some Hooters mixed in there also) were naked, except for the flimsy leaf tied to their waists. A slight breeze, however, showed everyone _much more_ than they had bargained for.

"NO!" Guys yelled, covering their eyes. The girls on the field frowned and walked back to the duggout Sirius and Professor Lupin had made, picking up their various clothing items on the way. Dumbledore applauded them, a huge grin spread across his face.

"Very well!" Dumbledore said, his voice booming over the crowd, most of which was still crying loudly, rubbing their eyes from the scene they had just seen. Snape remained in his seat, not even remotely turned on by the dance he had just scene (probably because since he was in the middle of the pitch, all he saw was their backsides; though that wouldn't be such a bad deal).

"It seems we've already made quite a lot of money!" Dumbledore continued (and Ron said something along the lines of "I know I've already blown all mine"), eyeing everyone with a scowl, as if to say 'spend more money! this is charity!'. "Professor Snape, how are you doing?"

"Fine." Snape replied in a bored tone, but he looked apprehensive.

"Now, the biddings will start for the real cause of the fundraiser. How much money would you all pay for Professor Snape to wash his hair?" McGonagall asked over the PA, and people started laughing hysterically and cheering. "That's right! The bidding starts at 2 galleons!"

It was pointless, really, having people bidding. Mostly everyone dumped their money on the Cheetahs/Hooters chicks. But everyone who had any money left (Hermione had all of hers, having not spent it on the sluts) dropped it into the pitch, which was wisked away by Filch, who grinned impishly at the duggout, where Lupin had, once again, dropped his pants.

After a few moments of scattered coins dropping, Dumbledore got bored with it and went on to the actual point of this story. He raised his hands in the air, ordering for attention.

"Professor Snape has willingly given us the opportunity to wash his hair!" Dumbledore announced loudly, and people cheered him on, for the sake of getting the girls back on the pitch. "And these _damn fine_ young women have gladly accepted the responsibility and privilege to help us get through the hair! Your donations are still much needed."

Fudge came back onto the pitch, a few ("Fully clothed, thank God!" cried Draco Malfoy) girls following. Snape closed his eyes and relaxed back in the chair, his head inside the conjured sink. Somehow water dispersed through the faucets, and Erica started to rinse his hair.

"This is so gross!" Everyone heard Erica squeal, and this caused Harry to go into more fits of laughter.

She turned to the table and put some shampoo into her hands and started to work through Snape's hair, roughly. He winced but never said anything while she continued to shampoo his hair. And so it went, for so long, that people were starting to doze off. It had to be nearly fourty five minutes when she finally finished. Dumbledore woke with a start when Sirius proded him (Dumbledore had fallen asleep, his head resting comfortably on another woman's rack) and he hurried onto the pitch again, rubbing his eyes.

"We've washed his hair! Now, onto the cutting.."

Harry watched with anticipation as the scissors and combs were brought out. Erica tried running a comb through Snape's hair, but the comb broke in half, and Harry laughed loudly. Hermione shoved him to shut him up, causing him to laugh harder. Eventually, Sirius got angry that his Godson was making such a noise (_and_ distracting him from the woman Lupin had just mucked up) and he put a curse on Harry, shutting him up immediately. Sirius got back to his job while Erica got back to hers.

"Oh, look at her work those fingers.." Ron moaned, staring at Erica intently as she scratched her ass.

  


After it was over with (hours of drinking, sex and dungbombs later), Harry found himself in bed with a woman (he thought her name was Tiffany) on his right, another woman on his left (a brunette named Trixie), and a man on top of him.

"What the hell?" Harry asked, moaning and shoving the drunk off of him, then he sat up, trying to remember exactly what happened. He remembered when Snape's hair had been finished (and his hair was actually a light _brown_) that all the girls got back onto the pitch. The men rushed the girls, picking the ones they favored the most, and went off with them, grabbing certain necessities (lube, condoms and moose repellant) from the table. Harry, though, walked off with Hermione, discussing the days events. But how, then, did he end up with two hideously ugly women, naked no doubt, in his bed?

"Oh, sorry about that." Neville said from his bed when he saw the confused look on Harry's face. "They needed a bed to sleep in, and since yours was mostly vacant, I let them use yours. I hope you didn't mind John on top of you."

Harry rolled out of his bed and hiked up his sweat pants, waving off Neville. It felt good knowing he hadn't been with anyone the night before. Afterall, he had just gone back to the library with Hermione.

Down in the common room, Harry was met with a sight. Sirius was on the floor, in his animagi form, literally connected with a bitch (literally, a female dog). Harry moaned, narrowing his eyes in disgust, and left the room as quickly as he could. All the way down the hall toward the Great Hall, where he surprisingly found a few students. Draco Malfoy and Hermione were sitting across from each other, both with looks of disgust on their faces as they talked animatedly. Harry sat down with them.

"I can't believe how many whores go to this school!" Draco complained. "And you haven't even _seen_ the girls in Slytherin!"

"I know! Ginny Weasley was _disgusting_ last night! She had Colin Creevey in her bed!" Hermione said, and Harry frowned.

"It's better than what I got in my bed." Harry sighed. "I woke up with that Tiffany girl and some other one, _and_ a man on top of me! You know who they belonged to?" Harry asked, and Draco shook his head, his eyes wide in wonder, along with Hermione. "They belonged to _Neville_! The man too!"

"Ohh, that's sick!" Draco groaned, shaking his head. "It's just as bad as Dumbledore! He got Erica."

"Did you hear about Snape and who he got?" Hermione asked, lowering her voice, even though they were the only three in the Hall. "Snape and McGonagall were seen on the steps to Trelawny's classroom."

"That's just disgusting!" Draco hit the table with his fist.

"Yeah, it really is."

For the rest of the morning, they talked about the events of the day before. Occasionally, naked Cheetahs walked into the Hall to get some more supplies (the lube, more moose repellant) and left again.

"I can't wait to see what next year will bring." Hermione said unenthusastically with a sigh. Draco nodded in agreement.

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Okay, I know, it's messed up. Leave notes anyway.

Love, Pathetic Invader, Keeper, and Hannibal the Cannibal. 


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